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Posts Tagged ‘Relationship’

It’s the same story every year – you worry about whether the new teachers will understand your child. Will the teacher adapt to your child’s individual learning speed? Will she be able to recognize your child’s special aptitudes and talents? You don’t want to be the overbearing, interfering parent, but you still want to know these things.

You certainly cannot hold your child’s teacher accountable for every classroom nuance. After all, teachers are qualified educationalists, and we have to trust their judgment to a fair degree without questioning it. So what’s the solution? How do you stay on top of how your child is faring under his or her teacher? The answer is – build a good parent teacher relationship.

Parent teacher relationships are like many other relationships – once they are in place, they can overlook quite a few social gaffes. And like all other relationships, building a healthy parent teacher bond involves a certain process of breaking the ice, winning mutual trust and staying in touch.

Your objective here is obviously not to build a rip-roaring friendship – though that often happens. The primary purpose of building such a relationship is to have informal access to your child’s progress at school, and that may not happen merely by attending local PTA meetings.

Is such relationship-building really necessary? After all, you are busy and have lots of other things to do. Also, you as a parent are obviously entitled to inquire with teacher about your child’s academic performance. However, that is not all you need to know about how your child is faring at school.

You need to know how your kid is doing at the emotional level You may need to be able to make requests for special attention by the teacher You may require the teacher to offer instinctive evaluations You may need to communicate your own insights on your child’s mental make-up and ask that these be factored into the teaching process You may need to advise the teacher on your own parenting style and ask that it be supported in class, as well

Once of the main reason why most parents do not make efforts to build a healthy parent teacher relationship is the fear of vulnerability. Such parents worry that revealing too much about themselves will expose them as inefficient and ineffective parents, thereby laying them open to a teacher’s professional criticism.

The fact is – parents are as human as we are, and are often parents themselves. They may have their own insecurities in that role, and are therefore perfectly capable of understanding yours. On the other hand, you will never know of or benefit from this human side if you do not tap into it.

The only way to break the barrier of formality is to initiate and maintain a healthy working parent teacher relationship. If you aren’t the gregarious type who is comfortable with breaking the ice in person, you can take the help of interactive parent web sites designed to help parents interact with their children’s teachers.

Many parents find staying in touch with their children’s teachers in this manner quite comfortable. While signing up for such a parent web site, ensure that it also helps you connect with other parents and keeps you updated on after-school activities.

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It’s impossible to put in one article, the many ways a parent can develop an unhealthy relationship with their children. Instead, we’ll cover the main categories in an effort to find a balance between the extremes. While reading, consider your own actions and decisions with your children. You may discover you’re a better parent than you thought.

Too Hard Or Too Soft: It’s fairly easy to spot the out-of-control child-beaters but, just as harmful to the child is the domineering parent who can’t seem to stand it even when their child is quietly enjoying themselves. I remember my brother bullying and intimidating his 10-year-old son in our living room even though the boy was quietly entertaining himself and had been very polite during their long visit. It doesn’t matter whether it’s violence, religion, or some other strict discipline tactic, if children are afraid to be children…afraid of a parent, it’s a very unhealthy relationship. Once they figure out their parent can’t be pleased, it can only end in no relationship.

Many don’t realize the other side of the coin, being too soft, is just as unhealthy and damaging to the child. Children need to have solid, dependable boundaries for their own security and to learn what life is like outside the home. If children always get their way, can always exhaust their parents into giving in and making exceptions, the child has much more difficulty coping with the real world. Another brother of mine tried this approach…reasoning with his 2-year-old why she shouldn’t scream in a restaurant. To be diplomatic, let me just say that her behavior hasn’t changed much even though she’s now 23. Sorry Dr. Spock, at age 2, sometimes a little slap on the behind is all they need to understand and obey…they can learn why over time.

Too Far Or Too Close: A recent trend in parenting…even house design…is the separate family. Kids live in one part of the home and parents another. They don’t even eat together. The only time the parents are seen is if it gets too loud or too quiet on the kid’s side. I knew one selfish Dad who even sent his kids to the neighbor’s house at dinner time in hopes he wouldn’t have to cook for them. Younger children need to be cuddled and loved and played with…given serious attention. Sometimes, even affectionate parents shy away from their kids when they start puberty. Kids need reassurance and affirmation when they’re going through the emotional pre-teen/early teen years. Boys need to know you see them as getting strong…girls, getting pretty. Both…getting smart! Touch, time and verbal affirmation all play a role in a healthy relationship. Being distant, absent or unaffectionate will create unhealthy parent-child relationship and unstable children.

The other side of this coin are the parents who are too close to their children. This isn’t an article on sexual abuse, but some parents who would never think of molestation are sending sexual signals to their children unintentionally. Teenage boys and girls want to know they are attractive to the opposite sex. The safe place they try this first is at home, with their parents. Look, parents, no more full-body hugs or juicy kisses after they’re 10 or so. Don’t let them wrap their legs around you or contact you anywhere near sexual areas. This is common sense but some of you need to hear it. If you let these things happen, it creates a very unhealthy relationship between you and your child. You can use shoulder hugs or “A-frame” hugs to make physical contact. By age 10, they don’t need help bathing unless they ask, and then, hopefully, someone of the same gender can assist.

There are ways to be too close that don’t include sex. Some parents feel they have to be “best friends” with their children and this works well until about age 7. After that, hopefully even before, it’s good to help your child choose appropriate friends and back off a little bit on trying to be everything for them. Don’t protect them from everything…just crippling and fatal things. Kids need to fail and be hurt to learn about life. Overprotection creates stunted growth. Being too chummy as they enter puberty creates disrespect and resentment.

Too Biased Or Too Objective: This may be the most difficult area for a parent to gauge where to stand because every situation is different. Let’s just start with some common sense…your child isn’t perfect! Children lie, abuse each other, steal, and they also make mistakes. I know one family that was dominated by their 11-year-old son, who, according to his father, could do no wrong. He would even call his father at work to tattle on…his step-Mom, whenever she made a decision he didn’t like. The father sided with the son. This is an extreme example of a parent who is too biased. Of course, it’s possible to be too biased against your child, too, with equally damaging results. Just because a kid does some bad things doesn’t make the kid bad. Being too biased for or against your child can be a very unhealthy parent-child relationship.

The other side is the parent who is so objective and interested in the interests of every party involved, so afraid to come down one side or the other, that nothing gets resolved. The kids are left to grow up in a mushy world where nothing is absolute except the bully who is smart enough to see there is no punishment for bad behavior. The kids lose respect for their parents because they know their parents are afraid to offend anyone. They also lose respect for themselves because they never get a clear idea of decisiveness or a clear right and wrong…only a World full of grey areas.

Unhealthy parent-child relationships can result equally from parents being too hard or too soft, too far or too close, too biased or too objective. Just as with work, finances and diet, balance is the key to a healthy parent-child relationship. After all, if you don’t set the example of balance, where are your kids going to learn it?

Glen Williams is Webmaster for http://www.way2hope.org, founder and CEO of E-Home Fellowship (EHF), Inc. He has been helping people with family and life problems full-time since 1989. You can comment on his articles at Way2Hope Family Life Forums.

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It’s the same story every year — you worry about whether the new teachers will understand your child. Will the teacher adapt to your child’s individual learning speed? Will she be able to recognize your child’s special aptitudes and talents? You don’t want to be the overbearing, interfering parent, but you still want to know these things.

You certainly cannot hold your child’s teacher accountable for every classroom nuance. After all, teachers are qualified educationalists, and we have to trust their judgment to a fair degree without questioning it. So what’s the solution? How do you stay on top of how your child is faring under his or her teacher? The answer is – build a good parent teacher relationship.

Parent teacher relationships are like many other relationships — once they are in place, they can overlook quite a few social gaffes. And like all other relationships, building a healthy parent teacher bond involves a certain process of breaking the ice, winning mutual trust and staying in touch.

Your objective here is obviously not to build a rip-roaring friendship — though that often happens. The primary purpose of building such a relationship is to have informal access to your child’s progress at school, and that may not happen merely by attending local PTA meetings.

Is such relationship-building really necessary? After all, you are busy and have lots of other things to do. Also, you as a parent are obviously entitled to inquire with teacher about your child’s academic performance. However, that is not all you need to know about how your child is faring at school.

o You need to know how your kid is doing at the emotional level

o You may need to be able to make requests for special attention by the teacher

o You may require the teacher to offer instinctive evaluations

o You may need to communicate your own insights on your child’s mental make-up and ask that these be factored into the teaching process

o You may need to advise the teacher on your own parenting style and ask that it be supported in class, as well

Once of the main reason why most parents do not make efforts to build a healthy parent teacher relationship is the fear of vulnerability. Such parents worry that revealing too much about themselves will expose them as inefficient and ineffective parents, thereby laying them open to a teacher’s professional criticism. The fact is – parents are as human as we are, and are often parents themselves. They may have their own insecurities in that role, and are therefore perfectly capable of understanding yours. On the other hand, you will never know of or benefit from this human side if you do not tap into it.

The only way to break the barrier of formality is to initiate and maintain a healthy working parent teacher relationship. If you aren’t the gregarious type who is comfortable with breaking the ice in person, you can take the help of interactive parent web sites designed to help parents interact with their children’s teachers.

Many parents find staying in touch with their children’s teachers in this manner quite comfortable. While signing up for such a parent web site, ensure that it also helps you connect with other parents and keeps you updated on after-school activities.

Priya Florence Shah writes for Parentella, a private communication platform for parents and teachers that enhances conversations between parents and teachers by creating groups for parents. Visit us for a private, safe, and secure experience in communicating with your child’s educationists.

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